


Confidential

by miss_aligned



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mass Effect 3, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-01
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-11 16:35:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7060573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miss_aligned/pseuds/miss_aligned
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan finds a small keepsake that gives him considerable insight into the woman he once loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confidential

When the Med Bay door slid open, Dr. Chakwas was busying herself with putting her supplies away with utmost organization and tidiness. She glanced up in Kaidan’s direction as he approached, and an affable smile crept across her lips. She straightened to give him her full attention.

“Hello, Major. What can I do for you?”

“I was told that Shepard was in here.” Kaidan responded, his gaze quickly darting around the room.

“She’s gone to rest in her cabin for now. No need to worry, just a few scratches and a headache. She’ll be back to work in a few hours, I presume.” She shook her head and began cleaning up her work station once more.

“Alright,” he responded as he idly rubbed the back of his neck, wondering if he should check up on Shepard or start working on reports while she rested. He wanted to see for himself that she was well, but he didn’t want to disturb her or make her uncomfortable. He wasn’t entirely sure where the line was now that they were serving together again on the Normandy. It was as he lingered there, head dipped in thought that he noticed something on the floor. A folded note had fallen on the opposite side of the examination table from where Dr. Chakwas was dutifully packing things away.

The Major stepped forward and picked it up, flipping it over in his fingers. He saw that the paper was worn and wrinkled, torn on some of the edges where it had been folded and unfolded several times. It struck him as strange to find such a thing in a galaxy filled with remarkable technology, but he held it in his palm, outstretched towards the doctor. “Is this yours?”

Karin stared at it for a long moment, her eyes narrowing slightly. It was apparent on her face when she remembered it, and her gaze lifted to Kaidan’s face with an expression of surprise. “No. That belongs to the Commander. It must have fallen from her pocket when she removed some of her armor so I could get a look at her wounds.”

“Really?” Kaidan said incredulously.

The doctor sighed heavily. Her hands drifted away from what she’d been doing, coming to rest on the examination table. She stared at the slip of paper as her expression shifted to something more distant, as though searching her memory. When she explained, a fond chuckle escaped her lips. “She told me about it once. I must confess that we were a bit inebriated at the time, so I don’t recall the details.”

“Oh.” His quick response sounded different than Kaidan himself had anticipated. There was a hint of disappointment that he hadn’t managed to mask. He cleared his throat. “I suppose you should keep it for her, then.”

Dr. Chakwas remained quiet for a long moment. “You know, perhaps it would be better if you return it to her. I’m sure the commander will be concerned when she realizes that it’s gone missing. That’s a list of reminders and reasons she fights. A to-do list, of sorts. Shepard was too paranoid about Cerberus to put it in a digital format for when she’s losing focus, so she handled it the old-fashioned way. She keeps it on her whenever she goes into battle. I’m not sure why she bothered to share some of the details with me, but I imagine that the brandy had something to do with it.”

Kaidan wasn’t sure what to say. His curiosity had escalated to a dangerous level in the span of only seconds. The right thing to do was to leave the paper in Karin’s hands and walk away. Get to work. Yet, if it might bother Shepard to be without it, he thought it his duty to return the keepsake.

“Surely an Alliance officer can handle delivering a memo to its owner, yes?” The doctor was grinning with amusement at the perplexed expression on Kaidan’s face.

“If she shared this with you already, then maybe you–”

“Nonsense. She’d appreciate it finding its way back to her in a timely manner. Besides, a Spectre has access to all sorts of privileged information.” She was practically shoving him out the door, clearly unwilling to take no for an answer. He wasn’t sure if she knew more than she was willing to clearly say, if she really needed him to do this small favor, or if she was encouraging him to take a peek. Somehow, no matter the reason, he felt uneasy about it.

In only a moment, he was standing outside of the med bay, bewildered and awkward. He was noticed, garnering confused greetings and nods from passing soldiers, but no one dared to ask him what was wrong. He headed quickly to the elevator in order to check up on the commander. He could drop off the note and be gone in no time.

As he waited to reach the top deck, there was no stopping his warm gaze from studying the paper in his hand. It certainly had seen plenty of battle, tucked away on Shepard’s person. He couldn’t help but wonder what had kept her going in their time apart. Had she been angry? Heartbroken? Vengeful? Was he mentioned at all?

This sort of information struck Kaidan as incredibly personal and yet very educational in regards to the commander herself. An ache formed deep in his chest at the thought that the woman he loved had been there for quite some time and that he’d essentially ignored her. It was also possible she’d written something so abstract and unlike her that his hopes of her coming back after Alchera were dashed after all. A mix of dread and hope flooded his mind.

He carefully unfolded the paper, unwilling to second-guess himself any further. Gently, he pulled the worn corners apart to reveal a mess of Shepard’s distinctive penmanship. Some of it was rushed, some thoughtfully and painstakingly written, but all of it was most certainly penned by the woman herself, and Kaidan recognized it with a sigh of relief.

_Kick the Council’s asses_

That one was pretty self-explanatory. Kaidan smiled. Anger, resentment, and bitterness could all be rather motivating when required, particularly in the darkest of times. Despite the fact that he and Shepard both technically answered to the Council now, he certainly wouldn’t have minded playing spectator to her getting it all off of her chest. She had, after all, offered far more sacrifice and service than they ever deserved.

_Have a heartfelt talk with Alliance brass_

Despite the relatively benign wording, Kaidan knew that any ‘heartfelt talk’ that Shepard intended to have with Alliance leadership (other than Anderson and Hackett, perhaps) was going to involve yelling. And fists. Possibly guns.

_Help Tali get to Rannoch_

_Help Garrus find ~~Sidonis.~~ his family_

_Save Liara from ^ the Shadow Broker_

The little arrow on Liara’s line led off to the side of the page where Shepard had scribbled ‘BEING’ in haste at one point. It seemed she was concerned for the wellbeing and future of her friends still, no matter how far they’d drifted apart or how their lives had changed over the years. Hardly unexpected, Kaidan reasoned, but worth remembering.

_Joker._

Kaidan chuckled. A simple name served as reason enough to push forward, apparently. He really shouldn’t have been surprised that Shepard would elect to hold the best helmsman of the fleet in such high esteem. He’d personally watched her sacrifice everything for him, after all. Joker had no doubt saved her and the rest of the crew from annihilation a number of times, but, if he were to be entirely honest with himself, there was a little pang of jealousy that his own name hadn’t served that same inspirational purpose.

_Help Jack crush Cerberus_

_Help Thane ^ with his son_

Another arrow off to the side had a thoughtful “reconnect” added sometime after the initial statement.

_Convince Miranda and Jacob that they’re better than Cerberus_

_Sing ~~with~~ for Mordin_

These were names that Kaidan hadn’t matched with faces, though he’d heard them in passing and they’d been included in reports while Shepard and the Normandy had been grounded by the Alliance. They’d been important enough for her to think about in dire times, and that was all that mattered.

_Make Vega the best N7 yet_

Kaidan’s eyebrows lifted in surprise. He wasn’t sure if the burly lieutenant was already in the program or if he was simply aspiring to be, but he couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. Shepard had set the bar irrationally high.

_Meet Wrex’s kids_

Yeah. He wanted to be around long enough for that one, too.

_For Ashley_

A heavy sigh escaped Kaidan. It was another simple name with lots of meaning behind it, but he understood the hidden message well enough. He and Shepard had taken the loss hard and had talked about it rather extensively before they were separated by death and duty. They both intended to make sure that Ashley’s sacrifice was worthwhile and was never forgotten.

_Give Kaidan a chance to find happiness ~~without me~~ ~~with the doctor~~ however he can_

He stared at the last line for a long moment, his chest tightening uncomfortably as he paid close attention to the pen strokes. There was a subtle waver to the lines, as though she was trembling or warring with herself to put it on paper. The strikes she’d used to cross through parts of the statement were similarly addled. Unlike some of the previous notes on the page, Kaidan wasn’t entirely sure what she meant or what she’d been thinking when she wrote it. Shepard had probably been thinking a good many things, if he were to guess. A lump formed in his throat when he realized that she was still willing and able to give up anything for the people she loved, even if it caused her immeasurable pain. All that for a possibility that he’d find happiness. Not that he certainly would, but she’d judged him important enough to get the chance, no matter what that entailed.

The doors of the elevator opened and Kaidan hastily refolded the page before hesitating at the door of Shepard’s room. A silent debate occurred within the confines of his mind at that moment. If she was awake and saw that he’d found a very personal memo, she might get angry. He could play it off as though he hadn’t looked at it, but he really had no intentions of lying to her. If there was any hope of reconciling their relationship, it would have to start with honesty.

He took a deep breath and pressed the control to open the door. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dim lighting within, but the eerie glow of the fish tank helped to guide his steps. He set the note on the corner of her desk as he quietly approached the bed, where he saw Shepard fast asleep, resting on her back with a heavily bandaged arm draped across her abdomen. She looked so peaceful and young when the stress melted away from her features. Kaidan couldn’t ignore the fluttering feeling in his chest when he saw her that way, as though years of mourning her loss had never occurred.

Turning his attention to his omni-tool, he typed up a quick message and sent it. He was going to set things right, if he could. He was going to tell her how he felt. Once they had a moment to step away from the Normandy and the endless chase of Reapers, he had a chance to cross that last note off of her list.

Before he could stop himself, Kaidan crept forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the sleeping woman’s forehead, letting his fingers run lightly through her hair as he pulled away. A dreamy smile drifted across her lips at the contact, but she didn’t fully wake. Instead, she rolled onto her side and settled in for more rest.

Kaidan took his leave of the captain’s cabin, knowing that the commander was reasonably comfortable and, thankfully, every bit of the woman he remembered and missed. He smiled to himself as he recalled the words she’d written about him on her list.

He knew what would make him happy, and with any luck, it would make her happy, too.


End file.
